Posting instagram saya tempo hari membuat saya menyadari betapa sok tahunya saya. Sok tahu, padahal setelah saya pikirkan lebih jauh, ternyata saya tak tahu apa-apa.
Bagaimana bisa saya menduga bahwa pohon yang tumbuh paling ujung itu mati sebelum waktunya, coba? Sepertinya pikiran saya terpaku pada sebagian besar populasi pohon yang masih segar menghijau saat saya mengambil gambar tsersebut. Yang lain masih sehat, kok, jadi seharusnya pohon yang mengering itu juga masih sehat. Bukankah mereka ditanam pada waktu yang sama? Oh, sedemikian tidak runtutnya logika saya. Apakah sekelompok pohon yang ditanam pada waktu yang sama harus mati pada waktu yang sama pula?
Lagi pula, bagaimana saya tahu kalau saat itu bukanlah waktu untuk pohon tersebut mengering? Apa yang saya ketahui tentang waktu bagi setiap individu? Bukankah itu rahasia bagi setiap makhluk, yang hanya dapat diketahui saat waktu itu tiba?
**** *** ** *
Yes, this is me overthinking things again. Thank to my sleepness nights.
I have been in my quo status for about 3 years or so. It’s comfort, so comfort that I forget that I need to grow. Growing, you know, through all those uncomforting situations, another ‘there’s.
We, Pak Suami and I, had decided that it’s our time to get out of our comfort zone. Soon, we will life our new chapter. It’s not easy, Allah knows it’s so hard to do. But we need to accomplish it. One way or another, we are gonna get it done.
On the positive side, there’s a fat chance that my blog will come alive again. This long term hiatus will be ended. I name this hiatus-ending project as ‘Writing to Reach You’. No need to be explained, you know who you are.
Beberapa waktu yang lalu saya terdiam saat membaca ini. Sudah lumayan lama saya tidak membaca tulisan sejenis ini, curhatan. Terlebih yang curhat itu adalah Cory Richards. The one and only Cory Richards.
Cory Richards, bagi saya, adalah semacam Hercules. Setengah manusia setengah dewa. Dari petualangan, keberuntungan, hingga fisiknya yang sungguh subhanallah itu. Manusia sempurna. Makanya, hati saya gremet-gremet saat membaca tulisan tersebut. There’s no such thing as perfection in a form of human being, so I concluded.
Saya, selama ini, menangkap citra sempurna Cory terutama dari feed Instagram-nya, juga rekam jejaknya di NatGeo. Curhatan Cory tersebut, terutama di paragraf yang akan saya capture setelah ini, membangunkan saya dari ilusi tersebut. Bahwa Instagram, dan juga berbagai sosial media lainnya, tidak menampakkan keseluruhan cerita dari kehidupan seseorang. It’s highly curated. I am not saying it’s fake. It’s a part of one’s real life, nevertheless it has been curated carefully to exhibit a certain image. Pencitraan.
Dalam skala yang berbeda, apa yang disampaikan oleh Cory tersebut adalah gambaran pengguna media sosial pada umumnya. Most people capture the best moments of their lives (whatever that best moments definition is), select carefully according to their tastes and post the selected ones to their social media. Dari sini, muncullah kesenjangan antara real life dan social media life. Dari kesenjangan tersebut, datanglah kesepian. Loneliness, there I said it.
(Saya tidak akan membahas tentang ini saat ini. Semoga lain waktu saya bisa duduk tenang menuliskannya)
Belajar dari Cory, kesepian akibat kesenjangan itu harus dihadapi. Embrace it, and use its energy to do something useful. Cory Richards membuka cerita lamanya, menerima dan menyelesaikannya, lalu kembali ke Everest dengan perspektif barunya. Kita bisa apa?
Sambil memikirkannya, silakan kembali menyimak #EverestNoFilter. Mas Cory dan Adrian Ballinger sudah di Everest, dan saat ini sedang beraklimatisasi di base camp-nya.
(Dan saya akan mulai menyimak pidato Bu Susi Pudjiastuti sambil intap-intip sana-sini)
It’s taken much too long. To get it right, could it be so wrong?
In my younger years, this sentence brought me down in so many levels.
(It’s a bit funny to remember those years, though. I never knew that I would do that much for nothing, and realized that nothing meant much later. I was a kind of super silly me.)
(I need to warn Sophie and Syafiq that they have to pass their own silly time once. They need to embrace their time when they think that they dive in a deep end, just to realize that it is only another turn to take a break a while later.)
These days, it brings the whole new perception. I analogize it to things that are not related to its original feeling – or what I thought of as it. I see it in a wider view, from a higher elevation.
*** *** ***
Let start with this thought: how could a thing be so wrong when I try to get it right?
Here is the background. It’s been a while that I am in a not-so-comfort circumstance. I’ve been spending enormous energy in coping it. No, my energy is not drained because I do whatever it takes to solve it. I am exhausted because I am just overreacted to it.
There it is.
How could a thing be so wrong?
It goes wrong when I am overreacted to it. I forget the essence of the problem and am too busy with weighing my loss. I place myself in the center, and there everything else goes wrong.
How could a thing be so wrong (even when I have been trying so hard to get it right)?
It is true that I have done a lot, from my own point of view. I do this and that to mitigate my loss. In the same time, I forget the real problem. I left it untouched. So tell it once again, have I really tried that hard to get it right? Have I?
OK, I am over say it, again. My point is, I don’t treat the problem proportionally.
Let’s back to the background. So, where do I go from here?
I know, this problem of not-so-comfort circumstance has not been solved yet. But, at least, I do understand that it is not about me. It’s time to stop playing victim. I am not suffering that much. I am not the one who needs a helping hand. And maybe, I can help the one who truly needs it.
I think I will go somewhere not-too-far with a warmer heart, then.
*** *** ***
Wait, you don’t know the sentence I used to open this post?
(Oh, it is clear that I am that old and fail to move on from my 90 to early 2000 ears. )
(Speaking of gagal move on, here I post a pic that instantly brought a huge smile on my face. Massive love!)
Things that happened recently with people around me reminded me of this old saying: we just can’t have it all.
There are so many things we want to have/achieve/collect/obtain/proud of. Yet our capacity is way too limited. That’s when priority speaks: what is the most important one for you?
The best idea to follow, for me, is pursuing that most important one(s) and letting go the rest.
Gods created the universe with its complexity and human with two hands for purposes. I think one of those is to teach us that we have to understand that we just can’t have it all. No matter how many things you do want, you only have two hands to hold them once. You need to let some fall around your feet. You need to let go some that too far from your reach. Sometimes you have to use your mouth to bite and your body to snuggle with some when they were out of your hands.
Life is hard, eh?
Maybe. But please remember that those hands are yours. You are in total control of which to hold and which to let go. You are not in that weak position.
PS: When I was writing this post, a music player in my head played Can’t Have It All, Win Some Lose Some, and Come Back to What You Know. Usia tak pernah dusta, memang.