That Point of View

Me and the husband, many moons ago, won a three-year research grant from our government. It was a kind of breakthrough for me, as I was just graduated with some academic-related scars during my master’s study, haha. It turned out to be pretty big for me: a three-year-long project, 25 undergraduate student thesis, and some of my own publications. The most important take of this project, I think, is the confidence I got during the process.

I can do it. I am capable of it.

It’s priceless for people in my position, I tell you.

how it was when it ended

I took another look at the project in 2019, you know, time is in the liberty of some Ph.D. student. It’s applied well to me. I re-read the results and wrote some articles. I wrote some other more when the SARS-CoV-2 pandemic hit us earlier this year. As the results, we have 3 and 2 publications more in Scopus- and Sinta 2-indexed journals, respectively. I also learned to be patient and choose a good journal in the publication process, in a hard way. My impatience and a not-so-well-managed-journal have tainted our work, with an ugly retracted article as the evidence. Shit happens, and I have learned my lesson.

At this point, with all that I have learned during the process, those ups and downs, I know that we should have done better. The methodology is weak, to mildly say it. One thing I can assure, there was no harm intended, we did not intentionally down-graded in order to gain any advantages. We did it in the best way we can, based on our best knowledge at that time.

If I see it from another point of view, I have to be grateful. I have grown in a way, I have learned one thing or two, to be able to spot the weakness of my past works (I may use this point of view more often, I should).

Yes, I made mistakes. It is OK. I accept it.

You’re the Truth, Not I

It’s been so long since the last time I listened to any Placebo’s song. Ten years, maybe 11 or 12, I am not sure. I just stopped and forgot them completely. Until I suddenly missed them, and it turned my emotion upside down.

**** *** ** *

There are twenty years to go, the faithful and the low. The best of starts, the broken heart, the stone. There are twenty years to go, the punch drunk, and the blow. The worst of starts, the mercy part, the phone.

**** *** ** *

I miss Placebo.

It was the first thing in my mind when I walked into my lab this morning. I bet you guess what I did next right: I played their song on my Spotify all day long and watched their videos during lunch time. Unintendedly, I put Song to Say Goodbye on, the official video. I started to cry. I couldn’t even watch it until the end. It was too heavy for me. Maybe the song, maybe the video. I don’t know. My tears just wouldn’t stop. Luckily I have the study room for my self.

It hit me so hard. All those sadness, dark thoughts, all of those wouldn’t go away. My brain refused to work properly.

**** *** ** *

I couldn’t bring my self to listen to Song to Say Goodbye. I randomly played their songs, until I stopped with Twenty Years. I listened to it on repeat. For hours.

OMG. You should watch the live version of Twenty Years, particularly one in Vieilles Charrues 2006. The best version ever.

**** *** ** *

These all bring me to the very start, 2004, when Twenty Years was released. The time when all those darkness were relevant, haha! Back then, I was looking foward for the next 20 years. I wondered where would I be in the next 20 years. I was scared that the song would be my prophecy. I was scared of what the future save for me.

Now, there are only 5 years to go. I am just fine, to sum it up. I am OK. It was so much better than what was in my darker mind back then.

There are twenty years to go, a golden age, I know. But, all will pass, will end too fast, you know

**** *** ** *

Edan, ya. Hanya Placebo yang bisa membuat saya tiba-tiba menyambangi blog saya. The one and only Placebo.

And that’s the end and that’s the start of it. That’s the whole and that’s the part of it. That’s the high and that’s the heart of it. That’s the long and that’s the short of it. That’s the best and that’s the test in it. That’s the doubt, the doubt, the trust in it. That’s the sight and that’s the sound of it. That’s the gift and that’s the trick in it

Writing to Reach You, A Project on Another ‘There’

I have been in my quo status for about 3 years or so. It’s comfort, so comfort that I forget that I need to grow. Growing, you know, through all those uncomforting situations, another ‘there’s.

We, Pak Suami and I, had decided that it’s our time to get out of our comfort zone. Soon, we will life our new chapter. It’s not easy, Allah knows it’s so hard to do. But we need to accomplish it. One way or another, we are gonna get it done. 

On the positive side, there’s a fat chance that my blog will come alive again. This long term hiatus will be ended. I name this hiatus-ending project as ‘Writing to Reach You’. No need to be explained, you know who you are.

Halfway There

Alhamdulillah, we are halfway there. It is our 22th week, and we are doing fine this far.

Ada banyak perbedaan antara kehamilan pertama dan kedua saya kali ini. Perbedaan yang paling kelihatan, dulu saya menulis dengan detail setiap hal yang terkait dengan kehamilan saya di blog. Jurnalnya rapi, dari yang memang penting sampai yang remeh temeh tak berarti. Sekarang? Ini adalah catatan pertama tentang kehamilan saya di blog. Yaa, memang tidak dibandingkan, sih, seharusnya. Lha wong kondisinya sudah beda. Hidup saya, seperti hidup panjenengan semua, bergeser setiap waktunya. Yang jelas, frekuensi blog entry tidak berkorelasi dengan perhatian, kasih sayang, dan seterusnya.

Secara keseluruhan, kehamilan kedua saya ini relatif lebih simpel, less drama. Itu dari sudut pandang saya, lho, ya. Banyak hal yang sudah jelas, yang tidak perlu saya pikirkan lagi bagaimana-bagamananya. I am no longer questioning whether this activity/food/anything is safe for my little one. I know what to anticipate in (almost) every stages of this process. Ya, lebih santai saja menjalaninya, saya rasa.

Dari sudut pandang Pak Suami, mungkin kehamilan kali ini penuh drama. Ya, bagaimana lagi? Ibaratnya nonton pertandingan bola, dulu pas hamil Sophie suami menontonnya lewat siaran di TV. Live, sih, live. Tapi, ya, di TV. Sekarang, lebih mirip seperti melihat pertandingan bola di stadion. Lebih nyata, lebih berasa emosinya. Jadi tahu betapa lonjakan hormon bisa menaikkan level kemanjaan  istri sekian derajat, kan, Suami?

Usia tidak pernah dusta. Saya percaya sekali dengan ungkapan ini. Dulu, saya relatif perkasa saat hamil Sophie, Memang, faktor kepepetnya tinggi, sih. Lha, bagaimana tidak menjadi perkasa ketika harus hamil seorang diri, mulai 5 hari sejak konsepsi sampai sehari menjelang melahirkan (di luar colongan 6 minggu ketemu suami, tentu saja)? Gara-gara pengalaman hamil solo tersebut, saya  meniatkan bila diberi kesempatan untuk hamil lagi, maka saya ingin hamil dalam kondisi yang jauh berbeda. Preggo like a lady, yang apa-apa ditemani, dituruti dan dilayani suami. Nampaknya, niat tersebut tertanam di alam bawah sadar saya. Semesta mengamininya. Bener, lho, kejadian. Di trimester pertama saya mual muntah parah yang menyebabkan saya kehilangan berat badan hingga 5 kg dalam waktu sebulan. Memasuki trimester kedua, mual muntah hilang digantikan dengan sakit pinggang. Mual muntah dan sakit pinggang tersebut lumayan membuat suami rempong melakukan ini-itu, yang bersinonim dengan menemani, menuruti dan melayani itu. Nah, ketika kondisi membuat saya berjauhan dari suami, seperti sekarang ini, secara ajaib tubuh saya beradaptasi dengan hebatnya. Saya bisa mengukur aktivitas saya dan membatasinya, sehingga sakit pinggang yang saya rasakan relatif terkendali. Kalu bukan manja, itu namanya apa, coba? 🙂

Yes, baby. The power of “Will you survive? You must survive!“ 😀

Bagaimana dengan Sophie? Sophie sudah hampir 6 tahun, jadi dia sudah paham tentang apa dan bagaimana mempunyai seorang adik. Dia senang sekali, tentu saja. Heboh woro-woro bahwa dia akan punya adik. Satu hal yang lucu, sejak tiga minggu yang lalu, Sophie ngotot pengen kami panggil dengan, “Kakak Superhero Sophie”

Iya, benar. Kakak Superhero Sophie.

“Pahlawan  dengan kekuatan super dalam membantu mama agar mama nyaman”, katanya.

“Kalau mama nyaman, adik juga ikut nyaman”, lanjutnya.

Ohhh, how i miss you, Kakak Superhero Sophie.

Five Rules by Atul Gawande

Mbak Nanny adalah seorang suster pada suatu keluarga, dengan masa kerja lebih dari 10 tahun. Pekerjaan Mbak Nanny bagus (lha, iya, kalau tidak bagus, ya, tidak mungkin bisa bertahan sampai selama itu, bukan?). Ternyata oh ternyata, si Anak yang diasuh Mbak Nanny itu tidak tahu nama asli pengasuhnya itu, yang biasanya dia panggil dengan “suster”

“Siapa saya itu nggak penting, Miss. Yang penting hasil kerja saya dinilai bagus dan bener!”

(cerita selengkapnya dan juga banyak cerita yang menyetrum hati lainnya bisa dibaca di sini).

Nama mungkin bukan sesuatu yang dianggap penting dalam hubungan antara keluarga tersebut dengan Mbak Nanny. Yang lebih penting adalah apakah Mbak Nanny menguasai pekerjaannya, tahu pasti apa-apa yang harus dia lakukan ketika mendampingi anak asuhnya.

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Ceritanya, Atul Gawande memberikan sambutan pada Harvard Medical School Commencement Day. Dalam pidato tersebut, ada lima hal yang ditekankan oleh Pak Gawande untuk dilakukan oleh para dokter yang baru diwisuda tersebut ketika nanti akhirnya mereka berpraktek.

1. Ask an unscripted question. Ours is a job of talking to strangers. Why not learn something about them? ou will find that many respond, however—because they’re polite, or friendly, or perhaps in need of that human contact. When this happens, see if you can keep the conversation going for more than two sentences. Listen. Make note of what you learn.
2. Don’t whine. Resist it. It’s boring, and it will get you down. I’m not saying you have to be all Julie-Andrews-Mary-Poppins about everything. Just be prepared with something else to talk about.
3. Count something. No matter what you ultimately do in medicine, a doctor should be a scientist in his or her world. In the simplest terms, this means that we should count something. It doesn’t really matter what you count. You don’t need a research grant. The only requirement is that what you count should be interesting to you. If you count something interesting to you, I tell you: you will find something interesting.
4. Write something. It makes no difference whether you write a paper for a medical journal, five paragraphs for a website, or a collection of poetry. Try to put your name in print at least once a year. What you write does not need to achieve perfection. It only needs to add some small observation about our world.
5. Change. People respond to new ideas in one of three ways. A few become early adopters, as the business-types call them. Most become late adopters. And some remain persistent skeptics, who never stop resisting. Make yourself an early adopter. Look for the opportunity to change. I am not saying you should take on every new thing that comes along. But be willing to recognize the inadequacies in what we do and to seek out solutions. As successful as medicine is, it remains replete with uncertainties and failure. This is what makes it human, at times painful, and also so worthwhile.

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Walaupun aturan-aturan tersebut sama sekali tidak ditujukan pada saya, entah kenapa saya bisa merasa related padanya. Entah bagaimana ceritanya, saya merasa bahwa lima hal tersebut bisa diaplikasikan dalam hidup saya. Dari lima hal tersebut, saya pribadi paling tercubit oleh aturan pertama. (Oh, dapat salam dari si hati-kanebo-kering!).

Secara keseluruhan, kelima hal tersebut adalah satu kesatuan. Kalau mau melakukan ya lima-limanya sekalian, jangan tanggung-tanggung, karena satu hal akan mendukung hal yang lain. Salah satu cara agar tidak mengeluh adalah melalui obrolan yang menarik. Nah, obrolan yang menarik tersebut tercipta ketika kita mencoba keluar dari rutinitas, bukan hanya membicarakan apa-apa yang sudah tertulis sebagai SOP pekerjaan kita. Dari obrolan-obrolan tersebut, boleh jadi kita menemukan sesuatu yang menarik untuk kita teliti. Hasil penelitian tersebut, juga obrolan-obrolan menarik yang terjadi selama proses pengerjaannya adalah bahan tulisan. Perubahan? Tentu saja ada banyak cerita yang bisa dituliskan dari sana.

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Suatu cambuk itu sahih berfungsi sebagai cambuk ketika ia berhasil merubah arah lari hewan dengan sabetannya. PR saya, ini. Ya, mari kita tunggu beberapa waktu ke depan, ya 🙂